Originally written August 23, 2016, the day after my first day back to school.
I would have cried during my morning commute to school yesterday, had I not been so embarrassed of myself doing so, and awkwardly half-laughing at myself to bite back the waterworks. Admitting this is making me cringe now. I just kept thinking of how I made it. I was on my way to my first day of nursing school. Nursing school. And I was going on scholarship (and grants and loans and thank-you-dad-for-the-book-and-everything-else-money). I was thinking of all the supporters I have, how I have never once encountered a nay-sayer or someone even looking at me funny for declaring that I am going to take on the world with a newborn. I have only been met with "Yes, and I am going to help you do it."
During class we were asked to submit our perceived number one challenge in the program. I of course talked about entering the program at 37 weeks pregnant. My professor read these responses aloud. I waited with a increasingly racing heart for her to get to mine. At the end of the stack when her eyes began wandering the room, I knew she was searching for the name tag that matched the name on this pregnancy announcement. "Jessi?" She asked. I raised my hand. "Will you stand up please?" I laughed and said yes, nervously and jokingly showing off my bump. She asked, "Did everyone know she was pregnant but me?!" Apparently, everyone did. "Good for you," she told me, wonder and admiration in her eyes. "Thank you," I said, as all of a sudden the room lit up with a chorus of my peers offering their support and encouragement. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know these people. I didn't even know they had noticed I was pregnant. And here it was once again. A support group, nary a doubter telling me I am just as crazy as I feel for taking all of this on at once.
Because I am crazy. Aren't I? Nursing school... While having a baby? Working while going to school? Paying bills and supporting a baby on part-time hours and borrowed money? While going to nursing school??? Starting off in a new apartment, a new apartment with no furniture and piles of messes still in every corner. No adult routine yet established. Lack of responsibility and a strong dislike for confrontation. And I want to have a baby. While starting nursing school.
I barely made it through the day. I didn't realize just how long the day was. I struggled to keep my eyes open twice. My blood sugar crashed and I was afraid I would fall down the stairs trying to get to my car to get to a lunch I forgot to pack in heels that were suddenly making my feet swell. My head hurt from the lack of water I could get down. My joints hurt. I was ready to go home and sleep. I needed to stop at the bookstore and try to return something I overpaid $80 for because I was too shy to speak up the first time. I waited in line for 45 minutes and was told I could not make the return. I left, defeated, but honestly just relieved to go home. What was that other thing on my to-do list today? Oh god, I was supposed to buy my uniform patches at the register. I need them by Wednesday morning. Today is Monday. I have an appointment after class tomorrow. I will have to return in the morning, early early early before class. Time to go to the grocery store. It's hot, so hot now, not the 60 degrees I dressed for. Check my bank account. $40. Where did the other $100 go?? Oh, there, and yes, I bought that phone case, and oh yes, that bill was due today... Ok. Pay day in 3 days. Just something cheap for lunch, then. No more school supplies today.
I come home, eager to start on my school work.
I am ready to start.
I want to start.
I need to eat.
My head hurts.
The apartment is a mess.
I have so much to do. I am behind. Already.
What am I doing? Soon there will be a crying baby in the background. I'm going to do this with a baby?
I lower my head into my hands. I close my eyes. I am insane. I am delusional. Why did I do this. Why was I doing this just so that others would not think I failed. I could have done this next year. I would not have failed then. I am going to fail now. It's too late. There has been too much invested into my life choices now. I had to do it. I was going to kill myself doing it.
I lift my head up. I need water. I should take a Tylenol for my headache. I think I will light some candles. I change into comfy clothes. Pull my hair up. Clear my desk off.
I cried this morning. I am so proud of myself, for coming this far, that I cried. Isn't that worth something? I make a note to remember this morning in the coming months. And I will get by.
One thing at a time.