monday is my baby's birthday. i have plenty of feelings and thoughts about it. but first, i'm here to reflect on my first anniversary of being a mother. well actually, nearly my second anniversary. this journey began the moment i read those two pink little lines. it hasn't been easy. it hasn't always been happy. sometimes, it has been the downright most rotten thing i've ever done, or been. i've grown so much since those times, or rather, through those times. i still have moments, sometimes days. i'd like to think we all do, no matter age or circumstance. still, now i can say it is always the best, most joyful, worthwhile, rewarding thing i have ever and will ever be. since aidric's birth, i've often thought back on my 'old' life, and wondered what was i doing, really? it feels so empty to me now, so alone and without purpose. there have been times i've wanted nothing more than to rewind time and undo what i've become. but i return to who i was before a mother, and there is nothing there for me i cannot have now that i desire. nothing. everything i've wanted is unfolding before me still, some opportunities only arising, i'm convinced, because of the personal challenge aidric presents. i have always needed a good kick in the butt to get moving, a purpose. he is just that, making life so much more rich and beautiful. i would never have it any other way. truly.
i think 85% of my challenges as i adjust to motherhood stem from the way society speaks about motherhood, young moms, and 'baby mamas'. most being very real experiences for me, some admittedly, perhaps, only perceived. still, it has been (and continues to be) an uphill battle to separate myself from that frame of mind. to reframe my own mind. to relearn everything i've known, to not define myself, to pull away, and to no longer care. i remind myself daily i must not fill my head with imaginings of how others perceive me, of what they may whisper about me. i am rewriting what it is to fit all of these categories. a label that is all my own.
because i've spent too long living through the filter of what i felt i 'should' be. namely, ashamed. i've spent too much of my energy on the need to prove that i have not failed. as i've realized how silly i have been to do these things, i've mourned just how much i've robbed myself of by caring about someone's irrelevant opinion. so much of the joy and magic i could have had in pregnancy and my baby's first year of life, i have been eager to disown and downplay in favor of approval. i've allowed myself to discredit my experience, myself, for the things i am not: married, older, home-owner, RN. i have ignored all that i am. i've forgotten that these of such little minds and hateful opinions are living in ignorance of the entire, beautiful world that opens up once you become a mother. it's something that can never be aptly explained or appreciated until you have entered. i have learned so much. like,
i'm learning and growing in my love for myself. it's still a process, some days better than most. but i have continuously been reminded that the people who truly love and support me have never once doubted me or my worth. i have learned that i am capable of so much. so much, you guys. mothers are strong. motherhood is magic. i am so glad i am a part.