it is four in the morning. i have had less than 2 hours of sleep. part of this is my fault. i should have gone to bed an hour earlier, rather than continuing to rewatch the office and read organizational blogs after the baby who fought sleep for 7 hours had finally fallen asleep. and after he woke up to eat, i could have gone back to sleep for another hour. but i chose to play fishdom on my phone, even as my eyes resisted to stay open (in my defense, there is a christmas special going on with themed puzzles and a christmas angelfish to win. i mean, c'mon).
and yet, part of it is not my fault. i lay next to a sleeping babe who has a nasty cold. the amount of snot i have seen come out of such a tiny human in the past 24 hours astounds me. he has the most pitiful cough, snores, and has been fighting sleep and bottles. i don't blame him, he's having enough trouble breathing. a few minutes ago, as i failed to solve the same fishdom puzzle for the 100th time, aidric began to cough, then choke, on mucous caught in his throat. he was struggling to draw in wheezing rasps and failing to cough. adrenaline flowing, i sprang up and swung him up into a sitting position, anxiously smacking his back, readying to hook a finger into the glob of snot at the back of his throat when it came flying out into my hand. i have never been so happy to see snot. i said a silent thank you to fishdom for having kept me awake an entire hour in the dead of night.
i kept aidric in a sitting position for a few more minutes, still sound asleep, his head bobbing around. when i felt sure his breathing was easy, i laid him back down. i fondly thought i could have him sleep on my chest the way he did when he was first born, the way he hates to now. he apparently hates it so much, that the moment i tried it he was awake. i frantically tried to correct my mistake and laid him on his back coaxing him to sleep, but the damage was done. the stinker lay smiling at me. he was wide awake. sighing, i turned on the lamp and left him to fetch a clean diaper and a bottle. stumbling in the hall, i flicked on some lights. the cat gleefully sprung from the couch, thinking this meant it was time for breakfast. i humored her.
aidric has now had his bottle. he is sleeping peacefully next to me. i have poured myself a glass of water and tossed back some ibuprofen for a splitting headache. a gentle drizzle has started outside my window. it always seems that the rain sneaks through the dead of night, unwilling to grace me with my favorite rainy days. but tonight i am grateful for its peaceful company.
today, or rather, yesterday, was not a good day. it shouldn't have been a bad day, but the irritability of a cold, coupled with caring for an irritable baby who also has a cold, has the tendency to quickly unravel a day full of plans. that does not sit well with me. i thrive off checklists and to-do's. when i lack in productivity, my mental health suffers. anxiety creeps in. being anxious boils my blood, a simmer i can feel rising in my body. i begin to feel trapped as i frantically try to keep myself from boiling over. that feeling only contributes to more anxiety. today this feeling hit me as i stood over my crying infant in his crib. i needed a safe, quick release so that i could safely tend to my baby. i grabbed a pillow. i readied myself facing a wall and i chucked that thing as hard as i could. it glanced off the corner of the rocking chair, and only gently kissed the wall. i wasn't satisfied. i tried again. this time the pillow made a soft thump and i felt better, a hot burst of steam let off. i cradled aidric and this time, successfully put him to sleep for the night, with the compromise of being back in my bed. i turned on the office, loaded up a blog on my phone, and thought to myself, 'i will try again tomorrow.' i have learned that if we can only keep managing to try another day, eventually, a good day comes around.
today will be a better day. i have fishdom to thank for that.